Worst Child Ever!

I told my parents my grades were better than they actually are. They texted me this morning saying how proud they were of me being able to keep good grades and doing a sport in college at the same time. I felt like it was nothing when I told them. I was selfish and was thinking about myself in the outcome. I see other student athletes breezing by letter grades meanwhile I'm studying really hard and only getting 80's on core tests. It frustrates me working so hard and no good outcome. I always do what the directions say and still I don't get the grade that I want. All this pressure now to achieve these grades for my parents or I'll feel guilty for lying to my parents. Life just seems so hard at times and other times it seems too easy making me over think when all I wanted to do is make my parents proud of how well I can do, that’s why I'm even here. Swimming got me into college because it's what my parents thought I had to do get here. If I didn't go to college I would just be a disappointment and we can't have that. I can't help but wonder if it's them or me taking the tests and going through the practices. A black feeling of disgust right in the middle of my chest, plagues me every time I wonder why I'm here. They say parents do what's best for but I strongly believe that they realize they could have done better in life and feel they have a restart through making me trying to succeed.

I haven't felt true happiness in a while. Not since the summer when all I had to worry about is getting up in the morning and going to work. Afterwards coming home and relaxing for the evening. No tests coming up, worrying about studying or homework the next day. I remember telling myself I can't wait to go to college to get away from my family. It's funny really because now that I'm here, I think a lot about how much I want to be back at home. I know that sounds selfish of me because others can't even say they have homes but everyone has their own struggles. No matter how privileged you are there is something that will get to you.